


It Kills Me, Why Doesn't It Kill You?

by ticklishpickle



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Break Up, Unrequited Love, this is kinda sad, will probably add a second chapter eventually just because I hate sad endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-22 16:19:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13170615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ticklishpickle/pseuds/ticklishpickle
Summary: Four months after his break up with Phil, Dan is still pathetically in love with him. Four months without any contact with Phil, and Dan sees him at PJ's party. He needs to talk to Phil. He needs to know why Phil stopped loving him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> lolol  
> found some angsty fic I wrote at 3am a few months ago, made a few edits and decided to post  
> don't forget to kudos or Paul will prolapse your anus ;) (Am I really making this a thing now?)

He sat at the breakfast bar lazily eating his bowl of shreddies. The sound of the spoon clinking against the bowl didn't do anything to hush the quiet that had fallen over Dan's apartment for the past 3 months. Dan gave up on chewing his cereal after a few mouthfuls and decided on staring into the full cereal bowl, watching the shreddies slowly turn to mush. Was is strange that he found solace in watching once intact bits of cereal fall apart? He wanted to see something disintegrate too, to lose form the way he did. 

 

' _ Who the fuck am I? _ ' 

 

He thought to himself after snapping out of his cereal watching session. Did he really just find satisfaction from watching processed bits of wheat and sugar turn to mush? It hit Dan that he just wanted something else to deteriorate too, the way he was at that moment in time. 

 

The apartment still looked like theirs, he mused. DVDs they bought together when they first moved in, nerdy figurines only they liked, an apron that said 'Kiss the Cook' on it. His chest began aching a little more than it was before. The apron was a gift from Phil. 

 

_ Phil snaked his arms around Dan's waist, pressing a light kiss to his neck. "Merry Christmas Dan." He said, replacing the arms around his waist with the apron.  _

 

_ "What are you doing Phil? You're actually such a spork!" Dan laughed and removed the blindfold Phil had so unnecessarily but endearingly made him wear for this surprise. Dan looked down at the words on the apron and immediately rolled his eyes.  _

 

_ " 'Kiss the cook', really Phil? That's so cheesy." He said with no trace of judgement in his voice.  _

 

_ "Does it really say that? What a shame, I guess I have to now!" He teased, and leaned in to place a kiss on his boyfriend's lips.  _

 

Dan chided himself, he wasn't supposed to be thinking about him anymore. It had been four months already. The dull ache in his chest that he had grown accustomed to turned into a persistent pang whenever he allowed himself to not only remember, but to reminisce of what he and Phil used to be. Dan was broken again, and Phil wasn’t here this time to fix him.  

 

* * *

 

Later that evening Dan was mindlessly scrolling on Facebook, looking for dank memes to distract him from the overwhelming pain of existence. He was not being melodramatic. As he was enjoying a particular doge-themed meme the little 'ding' noise Facebook made whenever a message was received alerted him. He knew who it would be. Before all of this Dan used to leave the house and even hang out with friends sometimes. He did joke to his viewers about never leaving the house but the truth was he had a social life up until about 4 months prior. 

 

**$e$h L0RD** : hey man, hope you're ok. i know we haven't talked in a while but I was hoping you would come to a small gathering I'm hosting tomorrow night? 

 

Dan's first thought upon seeing the message: 'I'm a funny motherfucker for making his nickname that' 

His second upon actually reading and processing the information in the message:  'Is Phil gonna be there?' Without even thinking properly he sent his reply. 

 

**Spaniel Towell** : Will Phil b there? :/

 

Dan cursed at himself straight after reading his message back. How rude could he get? And the fucking emoji at the end, what was he thinking? Maybe he should have thought first before sending it. 

 

**Spaniel Towell** : Shit sorry that was rude, hi PJ I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while. I think I can make it, don't have anything on as far as I know. 

 

Dan rubbed his sweaty hands together nervously, biting his lip as well. 

 

**$e$h L0RD** : that's ok Dan

**$e$h L0RD** : I understand

**$e$h L0RD** : and yeah he is. I know it will be hard with what happened at all but please could you try and come plzzz xxxxx there will be heaps of others there you won't even have to talk to each other

 

But Dan did want to talk to him. So badly. And just see him and hold him and be loved by him again. He did not allow himself to hope though, he knew the most that would come out of seeing Phil would be awkward and forced small talk. 

 

**Spaniel Towel** l: see you tomorrow PJ.

 

Dan closed his laptop and sighed, walking slowly to his bedroom. He opened the cupboard door and pulled out his, no  _ Phil’s  _ old Muse tshirt. He lifted the shirt to his face and sniffed. It still smelt like him. Without thinking, he slipped his own plain black shirt off and pulled the Muse shirt over his head. At least he still had a piece of Phil, since he couldn’t have the real thing. 

 

Dan knew this was pathetic, he really did, but as he cried himself to sleep wearing his ex-boyfriend’s t-shirt, he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

 

* * *

_ Dan whined into his boyfriend’s mouth, tangling his hands in his hair. You’d think they’d be tired from the concert they’d just got back from, but they were both properly hyped from the music and whole atmosphere of the concert.  _

 

_ “Do you think we’d be together if it weren’t for Muse?” Dan pulled away suddenly, blushing when he felt Phil place a kiss on his neck.  _

 

_ “I think we’d be together if I was a 70 year old man living in Zimbabwe.” His boyfriend replied, continuing to press kisses all over Dan’s neck.  _

 

_ “No, Phil! Answer properly!” He laughed while pushing the black-haired man off his neck in hopes it would make him take the question more seriously.  _

 

_ Phil cupped Dan’s face and looked deeply into his eyes.  _

 

_ “I did. What I mean is that no matter the circumstances, whether that be Muse not existing or me being an old man living in Africa, we’d be together in some way, shape or form. So in this universe, the people we are,” Phil gestured towards their bodies, “, are together, but in another very similar alternate universe where Muse does not exist our souls would still find each other somehow. Does that make sense?”  _

 

_ Dan gulped, his eyes shining up at Phil’s.  _ _  
_ _ “I think so?”  _

 

_ Phil brought his hands down from Dan’s face and instead laced them into Dan’s own hands. _

 

_ “We’re soulmates, Dan. So in every single alternate reality there is, we’d be together. I’m just glad that in this universe, Muse exists because that gave you something to tweet me about.” He pressed their foreheads together.  _

 

_ “I’m just happy that here, right now, I get to be with you, making out with you in my Muse t-shirt that I’ll probably regret buying later. But I know we’d be together some other way if that band didn’t exist.”  _

 

* * *

  
  


Going into the party was like walking into a life he left behind, but what he realised upon seeing Louise coming to greet him was it was also something he could return to if he really wanted. 

 

"Dan!!! You made it! It's so good to see you."

 

Louise pulled him into a bone-crushing hug which Dan was pretty sure caused the rupture of at least two of his major organs. He found himself smiling, the first real one he'd had in a while. "It's good to see you too Louise. How've you been?" Louise's eyes lit up and began chatting excitedly about Darcy's latest bathroom accident that kept Louise up the whole night. As glad as Dan was that he wasn’t a parent at the moment, it was always something he’d dreamed of. But now, who was he going to share that with? His chest hurt. 

 

Louise being Louise chatted his ear off for who knows how long before Dan finally asked the question he'd be wanting to ask since she came to greet him. "So where's Phil? I kind of want to talk to him." Louise's eyes softened and the look of excitement from discussing the shenanigans occurring in her pottery class changed to one of empathy. 

 

"I think- I think he's upstairs, love." Dan thanked her and left to talk to the man who still had his heart after breaking it and leaving him to pick up the pieces. 

 

* * *

 

Phil's hair was still easy to spot to Dan, even without seeing it for so long the image was burned into his mind. He longed to run his fingers through it like he used to when Phil loved him and to see it in a funny quiff but mostly just to talk to the owner of the hair. Dan took a deep breath and walked up behind him, tapping him on the shoulder. "Hey Phil." Phil turned around slowly, looking into Dan's eyes and stupidly, stupidly making Dan fall in love with him a million more times in that second of contact.

 

"Hey Dan! How are you?" 

 

For a second, Dan swore he saw Phil’s face light up with utter adoration. The same look he’d been giving Dan for the past three years. But he blinked, and the older man’s face was infected with a smile so polite, so reserved Dan felt like he was being mocked by it. It was a smile one would save for a stranger, an acquaintance or someone you disliked. Not the man you loved. A bitter taste filled his mouth. 

 

"Pretty fucking awful, to be perfectly honest. I think you know that, though." Dan spat out. 

 

His ex-boyfriend shifted uneasily on his feet. It gave Dan a petty sense of satisfaction that he was affecting Phil like this.

 

"Dan, do you really want to do this here?" Phil lowered his voice and had made sure to keep his expression neutral again, that same stupid stoic face he had when he broke up with Dan. 

 

"Where else then, Phil? I'm not going to yell at you. All I want to know is why, why did you leave, why don’t you love me anymore?" Dan's voice cracked painfully and his eyes were wet with tears. 

 

The silence that followed was even more painful. Phil was still as a statue, unmoving and unaffected by his words. He looked at the wall behind Dan, not meeting his eyes. He paused for  a second before speaking. 

 

"I'm not sure I ever did." He shrugged.

 

Dan thought the pain of being left by Phil was the worst pain imaginable. It wasn't. The one thing he was holding onto was that at least at one point in his sad existence someone as perfect as Phil Lester had loved him, and for a long time too, even if it wasn't forever. Being told that that  was all a lie ruined any respect he held for Phil, and any hope in his heart that Phil would take him back. Dan needed to leave before he let Phil watch him break down, again. 

 

"Good to know." His voice only wobbled a little, and he walked down the stairs without falling, and he even said goodbye to Louise and PJ collectedly. Only when he got back to his empty apartment he let himself cry. 

 

Dan was pathetic, and Dan was a mess, but in that moment he was proud  he had restrained himself enough at the party so that no one could see him break for the millionth time.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Phil walked up to the front door of PJ’s house, his shoulders slumped and his feet dragging. The leaves on the ground crunched beneath the weight of his feet. Phil looked up to the sky. It was full of stars. It was a vast expanse of darkness filled with specks of brightness. That’s how he felt, like the dull night sky just there, just waiting for the morning to come along with sun to make things bright again. But the sky had stars, little spots of light making it not completely black. Phil left his stars behind four months ago.

 

Phil sighed as he reached PJ’s front door. He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling the bitter chill of the Autumn wind. He wasn’t ready for this. It would be fun, he guessed, seeing all his friends. He just didn’t feel like he had the energy for that today. Phil was an introvert by nature, but he felt even less inclined than usual to socialise when he thought about who was in that house.   
  
He considered turning back and just going home. PJ would understand, but he would be disappointed. But it would seem too pathetic of him if he didn’t show. There were too many people in there who probably already thought very lowly of him after what he did.

 

Phil knocked on the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Hazel tipped her head back with laughter, her drink nearly spilling out of the glass she was holding.

  
“Woah! Be careful, your hazeltini nearly spilled on the couch!” Phil took the glass out of her hand and placed it carefully on the table.

  
Hazel stopped laughing. “Oh, whoops. I guess I got too carried away, your jokes are just too much for me!”

 

“It’s ok, maybe I should just tone down the funny to save PJ’s couch.” Phil gave his friend a small smile.

  
Despite his initial feelings, Phil was having a pleasant time at the party. PJ was being a lovely host, always making sure everyone was well fed and that no one was putting that one Rick Astley song on the stereo. Phil was expecting everything between him and his friends to be awkward and forced but he found things were exactly the same as they were before. Well, except for one thing.

 

Hazel cleared her throat.

 

“Phil, have you talked to um, Dan yet? I know it’s hard after what happened, but I really think it would be good if you guys could be friends again.”

 

Phil felt his chest tighten, an unbearable feeling of anxiety overtaking his body. His heart beat faster. Had Hazel really just asked that? He’d gone three hours without anyone mentioning Dan, and now it was over. He couldn’t do this.

 

“As much as I’ve enjoyed talking to you for most of the party, I do feel like you’re avoiding him a bit.”

 

Phil excused himself, ignoring Hazel’s pleas to come back. He walked over to where he remembered PJ’s bathroom to be but stopped when he saw the sign on the door.

 

**_‘Do not use! Unless you want my house to flood… Working toilet upstairs, first door to the right’_ **

 

He huffed before turning to the staircase and running up. When he got to the top of the stairs, he immediately rushed into the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

_“I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, PHIL! YOU STOP SEEING THAT BOY OR YOU’RE OUT OF THIS FAMILY!”_

 

_Phil felt a single tear rush down his cheek. How did it come to this? His whole life he’d been trying so hard to gain his family’s validation. Getting good grades, playing sports when he hated it, going to the university they wanted him to. But none of it was enough._

 

_“But I love him.” Phil heard his own voice crack in the middle of the sentence._

 

_His dad snarled. Clearly that wasn’t the answer he wanted._

 

_“You think I give a shit? No son of mine is going to be a faggot. You leave Dan,” his father spat the name out as if there was poison in it, “Or we leave you. Don’t try coming back or contacting us. You’ll never see your brother again.”_

 

_Phil felt as if he’d swallowed a brick. He couldn’t leave his little brother alone with his parents. Ben was only eight, it’s not like he could sneak out to see Phil or anything. He had even less power than Phil when it came to their dad. It didn’t matter that they had a twenty year age gap or different mothers. They were still family._

 

 _What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t choose between his family and the man he loved. Phil was grown up and moved out, yet he still felt like a little kid under his father’s control._   
_  
It would be so much easier if he was straight. But Phil couldn’t help who he fell in love with, why couldn’t his dad just accept him for who he was? He couldn’t even imagine being with someone else. He couldn’t leave Dan. But he couldn’t leave Ben either._

_“F-fine. I’ll break up with Dan. I’ll never see him again, I’ll do what you want. I just wish you’d realise what you’re doing to me.” Phil said, defeated._

 

_It the right decision. Phil told himself as he curled in on himself that night in bed, clutching his pillow and definitely not imagining it was Dan._

 

_People fell in and out of love all the time, it was okay. Eventually, he would fall out of love with Dan too. (This was a lie.)_

  


* * *

 

 

Phil was expecting to cry when he entered the bathroom, but no tears came. He had, however spent the last thirty minutes in the bathroom alone. He didn’t really feel like going back down to interact with people again. He didn’t want to talk about Dan anymore, or even worse: run into Dan.

 

Phil checked the time and realised he’d been in the bathroom for a lot longer than he’d initially thought. He should really leave the bathroom before anyone got suspicious. He’d just walked out of the bathroom when he saw a familiar brown-haired man walking up the stairs.

 

Shit.

 

Phil turned his back to the stairwell, looking for a place to hide but it was too late.

 

“Hey Phil.” Phil turned around slowly.

 

He looked into Dan’s eyes and  his heart stuttered. Why did Dan have to look so beautiful still? Phil was supposed to be out of love and now, seeing Dan in front of him, he knew he wasn’t. Crap, he was staring again. He forced a smile onto his face and prepared himself for the awkward conversation to follow.

 

“Hey Dan! How are you?”

 

“Pretty fucking awful, to be perfectly honest. I think you know that, though.”   
  
Well this was off to a bad start. Phil had never felt more uncomfortable, or guilty in his life. He had really hoped Dan would’ve been okay after a while. Phil wasn’t sure if he was ready for this conversation.

 

“Dan, do you really want to do this here?”

 

“Where else then, Phil? I'm not going to yell at you. All I want to know is why, why did you leave, why don’t you love me anymore?”

 

_Of course I still love you. How could you think any differently? You’re all I think about._

 

Phil didn’t say this but he wanted to.

 

He was so screwed, Dan couldn’t know this. Dan needed to get over him and find someone who could be with him properly. If Dan knew Phil broke up with him because his dad threatened to kick him out of the family, and not because he didn’t love him anymore, Dan would never get over him. He had to think Phil was a shitty person, a shitty boyfriend who never loved him and then he needed to move on to someone who would.

  
Phil braced himself for the hardest thing he’d ever have to do and prayed that it would work.

 

"I'm not sure I ever did."

 

The biggest lie Phil ever told. Phil’s heart broke when he saw Dan’s face change to what could only be described as devastation. All Phil wanted to do was hold Dan in his arms and make things okay again. Dan deserved better than this.

 

“Good to know.” Dan said, clearly trying to hold back tears. Phil stood in his place, his chest aching as he watched the only boy he ever loved walk away for what would probably be the last time.

* * *

 

The tears Phil were expecting to come when he was in the bathroom arrived later that night when he was home, alone as usual. If this was the right decision, when would it start to feel like it?  


	3. Chapter 3

 

_ Phil stumbled excitedly into his bedroom, lips firmly attached to his boyfriend’s and the door slamming shut behind him. Dan’s legs were wrapped tightly around Phil’s waist, Phil holding him by the butt to support his weight. Phil broke away for a second to navigate his way to the bed and plopped his boyfriend down gracefully.  _

 

_ Dan’s laugh tinkled in his ears and Phil swore it was and would forever be the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard. _

 

_ Phil began sucking on the boy’s neck lightly, hoping to leave a purple bruise, marking Dan as his own. _

 

_ “I’m going to marry you one day.” he murmured into the crook of Dan’s neck. _

 

_ Dan let out a soft moan before replying. _

 

_ “Yeah?” _

 

_ Phil moved his head up to look Dan in the eyes. _

 

_ “Yeah. And on our wedding night-after the ceremony and reception in our hotel room, I’m going to lay you down on the bed as gently as I did tonight and I’m gonna say ‘We made it.’” _

 

_ Dan’s warm, brown eyes were now brimming with tears. He’d never loved anyone more.  _

 

_ “I can’t wait.” _

 

* * *

__

 

Dan didn’t feel like waking up today, not that he had felt like waking up any other day within the last four months. Today was worse than usual, however.

 

The second Dan had opened his puffy eyes in the morning he remembered what he had been told the night before.

 

Not only did Phil not love him anymore, he never had. Everything Dan thought he had with Phil was a lie. The best four years of his life but none of it mattered anymore because he was just being lied to, tricked the whole time.

 

How dare Phil make him promises he never intended to keep? What was Dan to him, a little play thing he strung along to pass the time? Phil was someone he thought he knew better than he knew himself but it was becoming clear he didn’t know the first thing about the man.

 

Dan was pissed, angry, humiliated even but above all- hurt. 

 

He wondered why the universe let him meet and fall in love with the most perfect man alive, only to rip it away from him four years later. 

 

Dan had read somewhere that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but he didn’t even feel love anymore; he just felt lost. 

 

-

 

When Dan finally got up out of bed at the impressive time of 5pm, the sun was already beginning to go down. Dan couldn’t bring himself to eat, even his favourite cereal tasted like cardboard today. There was no point. 

 

By 6pm he’d melted into his sofa crease, too emotionally exhausted to do anything else. Whenever Dan so much as thought about Phil he felt his body start to wrack with sobs again. This was too hard. 

 

Right now, he was attempting to distract himself with Netflix and it was actually working to an extent. Watching Andy Samberg act like a goofy cop was very entertaining. Dan found himself laughing at the jokes in the show, as lame as some of them may have been. 

 

Dan’s shoulders tensed when he heard the doorbell ring. Who would be visiting him now? Louise wasn’t supposed to come over until 10 after she put Darcy to bed. Dan switched the TV off and begrudgingly padded his way down the stairs and to the front door. He really wasn’t ready to talk anybody except for Louise at the moment.

 

He gasped loudly when he looked through the peephole and saw who was standing there on the other side. 

 

Phil. Fucking. Lester. 

 

Why the hell was he there? Who did he think he was, coming back after what he’d said to Dan last night? What a self-entitled, Grade A piece of shit he was! Dan felt tears well up in his eyes for what was probably the millionth time that day. This was too hard. Way too hard. He had no idea what Phil was going to say to him. He didn’t know if he’d come to gloat about breaking Dan’s heart, or to simply pick up his old Muse shirt.

 

Either way, Dan would be left in tears. It was quite sad, really. Dan had still slept in Phil’s Muse shirt the night before even after what he’d said. Just shows how much Phil meant to Dan, and how little Dan meant to Phil. The shirt was all he had now. 

 

The doorbell rang again, causing Dan to stress even further. He looked in the peephole again, now taking a closer look at his ex-boyfriend. Even through the warped vision the peephole gave, Phil looked genuinely nervous. Dan scoffed. What reason did he have to be? Nervous he wouldn’t be able to hurt Dan even more? Dan was now really interested to see what Phil had to say. He didn’t think he’d ever stop thinking about it if he didn’t find out.

 

Dan took a deep breath before opening the door, not ready for what would come of it. 


	4. Chapter 4

“Why the fuck are you here, Phil?” Dan spat out, staring Phil right in the face.

 

Dan would be a fucking fool to think his ex still looked cute after all he’d said and done to him.

 

He was.

 

Phil visibly grimaced at Dan’s strong language.

 

“Can I come in?” Phil asked so earnestly that Dan nearly agreed.

 

“Yeah thanks but I’m good. Say whatever you have to say here.”

 

Dan felt guilty as soon as he saw the older man’s face fall. Why? He shouldn’t feel anything for him anymore.

 

Phil looked like he was debating whether or not to press Dan to let him come in when a huge breeze swept a pile of leaves into the flat. Crap. The wind only grew stronger after this, while Dan and Phil stayed silent- just watching the wind get more and more intense.   
  
Dan huffed and grabbed Phil’s hand, pulling him into the flat. He ignored how warm Phil’s hand seemed to feel in his, despite the fact that Phil had been standing out in the cold. He didn’t want fucking leaves in his apartment, and as cruel as he was he didn’t want to make Phil stand out there in the cold. Phil looked very surprised; his blue eyes had gone wide and his black hair was all ruffled from the wind. Dan fought the urge to run his hands through it, smoothing it down.

 

“I’m only doing this because I don’t want to spend the rest of the night cleaning leaves out of my flat.” Dan grumbled as he walked up the stairs, Phil trailing silently behind him.

 

“Ok.”

 

 

 

When Dan walked into the living room and sat down on his couch, melting into his sofa crease Phil just stayed standing up, clearly not knowing if it was appropriate for him to sit.

 

“You can sit down, you know.”   
  
“Oh. Thanks.” Phil stuffed his hands in his pockets and sat on the couch, making sure to leave a few feet between him and Dan.   
  
This was awkward. So awkward. Dan was sitting in a room with the man who’d made him hurt more than he ever thought he could and he had nothing left to say. Well, Phil was supposed to be doing the talking anyway.

 

“I didn’t mean what I said. Of course I loved you, and saying that I never did was the biggest lie I’ve ever told.”

 

 _No._ He wasn’t hearing this right. He was probably going loopy from the lack of food he’d eaten today. He opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out.

 

He saw Phil bite his lip, his eyes looking pained.

 

“You know, after all I’ve said and done, after the hardest four months of my life- I never stopped loving you. I’m sorry I ever made you think that wasn’t the case.”

Dan’s brain was finally processing this properly. He wasn’t hallucinating, Phil was really there saying the things Dan had been dreaming he’d say for the last four months! But something wasn’t adding up, if Phil never stopped loving Dan then he would never have broken up with him.   


“If you still love me, like you say you do then why did you leave me all alone? Why did you say you never loved me? Do you know how much that hurt?” Dan’s voice was thick with tears, he could hear it but at this point he didn’t even care anymore.

 

Phil looked straight into Dan’s eyes, and Dan noticed that he too was crying.

 

“B-because of my dad,” Phil quickly wiped a stray tear away, “He found out about us- he w-wasn’t happy.”

 

Oh god. Dan didn’t like where this was going.

 

“We fought about it- he gave me a choice; break up with you or never see my family, n-never see Ben again.” Tears were streaming unashamedly down Phil’s cheeks now and it didn’t look like he was taking any measure to stop them. Dan really wanted to respond, to say something, anything to comfort the man in front of him. But there were no words.

 

“And I’m so, so sorry I didn’t choose you but Ben’s only eight and he wouldn’t be able to sneak out to see me and I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you again but I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again either. S-so I convinced myself I could fall out of love with you, and that you could fall out of love with me too.”

 

“That’s fucking horrible, I’m so sorry he did that to you.” Dan finally choked out.

 

Dan’s heart was aching for Phil, he never deserved any of this. Dan knew how much Phil loved Ben, and how hard it must have been for Phil to decide. All this time he’d been wondering why Phil had stopped loving him when it had never even happened. This still didn’t answer why he felt the need to tell Dan he never loved him, though.

 

”A-and I thought that if I told you the real reason I was breaking up with you, you’d stay in love with me because you’d know it wasn’t my fault. I needed you to think I didn’t love you anymore, that I was just dumping you out of the blue after four years so you would hate me, and not love me anymore. But then- when I saw you at PJ’s I could tell you still had feelings for me, so I had to tell you I never loved you. You were supposed to think I was this awful guy who led you on for four years, who never even loved you.” Phil took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

 

Dan was having trouble wrapping his head around all of this. This-this was too much. Too sudden, and all he could think about was how stupid Phil was to think that Dan could ever in his meaningless existence stop loving him. So that’s what he said.

 

“You know you were stupid to think that could ever happen, right Phil? You’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with, and will ever be in love with. You can’t change that.” Dan reached his hand out to grab Phil’s but felt like he’d been stung when the older man pulled his hand back.

 

What was going on? Hadn’t Phil just said he still loved him?

Phil shook his head apologetically.

 

“I-I’m sorry. We can’t- my dad…” he trailed off, looking at the ground sadly.

 

Oh. Of course. How stupid was Dan to forget? With a sinking heart, Dan pulled his hand back too and rubbed it as if he’d been burned.

 

“Oh god um, sorry I shouldn’t have…”

 

“No! It’s ok, really it is!” Phil’s hands were fidgeting awkwardly and he was looking at the ground again. “I should probably get going now anyway.”   
  
Dan felt a pang in his chest. This was the end, and for real this time. He couldn’t let himself be selfish and keep Phil away from his brother.

 

“I’ll walk you out.”

 

* * *

 

 

The walk down to the front door was painful and silent. Dan knew there was nothing he could do or say to change Phil’s circumstance, and he hated it. Dan wasn’t sure he believed in soulmates, but if they existed he knew Phil was his. And now it was time to say goodbye.

  
He opened the door, causing the breeze to stream in and Phil walked out.

 

“Goodbye Phil. I wish- I wish we could’ve made it.”

  
He began closing the door, willing himself not to cry again. He’d done enough of that already. For some reason, it wasn’t closing as easily as it normally did. Dan frowned and peered his head around only to find Phil still standing there, his hand pushing against the door. Dan looked into Phil’s eyes, confused as to why he was still there.

 

“We will make it.” was the last thing Dan heard before Phil slammed the door shut and pushed his lips against Dan’s.   
  
What the hell was going on?

  
Dan shut up his mind, he didn’t need to think right now. He instinctively kissed back, and laced his hands through Phil’s hair. This wasn’t just kissing- this was finding exactly what he’d been missing for the past four months. This was taking a breath of air after drowning for too long.

 

After what felt like forever Dan finally pulled away, breathless.

 

“But what about your dad? What about Ben?” He asked, his forehead leaning against Phil’s.

 

“Forget him. We’ll figure that out later. I just can’t lose you again.” Phil’s eyes were brimming with tears- ones of relief or frustration Dan wasn’t sure.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Dan wasn’t sure things would be okay. There was always the chance Phil’s dad would find out they were back together, and then Phil would be screwed. But he was sure of one thing; Dan loved Phil, and by some miracle Phil loved him back. That would have to be enough for now; the rest would be figured out later.

 


End file.
